You asked, I answer!

** I'm going to preface this with these are MY thoughts, opinions and feelings.  I am in no way trying to harm or speak for someone else.  


With that being said, you people asked some good questions, some of you texted some hilarious stuff and I answered you via text.  These 3 questions were good so I'll answer as best I can. Beware, I am wordy.


1. What was the hardest part of getting a divorce? 
The hardest part for me was the realization that no matter how much love I had to give, how willingly I was to accept what I considered morally wrong, how hard I pushed, threatened, promised, cried, you name it, I  tried it.  I tried to save my marriage more than I had ever tried to do anything in my life. My prayers were sincere and deep. I even turned the mirror on myself. What was I doing wrong?  Everyday my stomach was in knots, I had anxiety, I questioned everything and it never got better. I saw things I shouldn't have seen. I felt things that nobody should feel.  I've never failed at anything before. I thought I could fix it, help it, help us.  But, I couldn't erase the past or the pain.  It took a long time to get to that mental state. Then, one day it was enough.  His behavior was a reflection on him. My behavior or reaction is a reflection of me, and i owe it to myself to pay attention to what it has to tell me.  I actually wrote this in a note for him and then threw it away. At that moment I realized my life was too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it's someone I dearly love. I finally put myself first.


2.  Do you believe in marriage?  
YES, I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. Every.single.friend of mine will tell you I'm the least likely person to end up in my shoes. I whole-heartedly believe in love and marriage.   However, my life was not going to get better in my marriage. A friend of mine said "you can be in a dysfunctional marriage or you can be from one" either way, it's your choice.  Sounds silly, but it's true. I don't think God loves me any less because I got out of my situation.  Maybe I wasn't following Gods plan when I got married. I don't know. I really think the WHOLE process, even the ugly, hurtful, horrible part, made me a much better person today. Just because I experienced what I did, doesn't mean God didn’t bless me. And it doesn’t mean that He didn’t answer my prayers—the answer was just far different from the one that I was expecting. There is a bigger picture that I am unaware of and it's all in his control.  I truly feel like God gave me a second chance.


3. Are you ready to date?
This is a hard question.  I don't think it's fair to put pressure on a new person for an old persons mistakes and weaknesses.  At the same time, I don't think you can ask for something in a relationship if you're not prepared to give it too.  With that being said, I want to be my personal best when I decide to add someone into my personal life.  I've forgotten what it's like to date having been married almost all of my 20's. I'm still not sure how you bounce back when love, as promised, does not conquer all...but I am excited about the possibilities and future. 


I'd like to say that I read a TON of books and have a great relationship with my then marriage counselor, who now helps me individually. She is amazing and I would totally hang out with her if she wasn't my counselor!  I read Courage to Change, Spiritual Divorce, Blink, Bible, and Conscious Dating (it has marriage stuff in it too).  These were all recommended by my counselor and they truly have an enormous amount of helpful information.